This is an unique attempt where I try to carefully search my feelings deep inside and try to assemble the state of mind on various aspects of my life. Hopefully these will server as live tutorials for my future self to know how did I think? what was my state of mind? and with that I hope to derive some learnings which may guide me into next phase of life.

1. About Money

    I have come to realize Money is one of the foremost tools one should posses in life. To search my own life's instances, I ve had to struggle, endure inadequate resources at all relevant times, limit my thinking/ realm of possibilities, face social stigma that comes with an economically weaker section middle class living. I do not want to dwell even a single minute into my upbringing and attempt any insidious judgement on my parents choices that lead to our financial state. They did their best with whatever resources (intellectual, financial, social, educational) they had and I know for sure they gave their fullest in our upbringing. But the fact of the matter remains that Money has played and is playing a big role in all aspects of my life. A lot of decisions that I took, Be it the choice of Engineering College, Courses, First Job, the kind of tuitions, etc., were shaped by money or to say the least Money played a big role.

    Perhaps looking back, maybe I always subconsciously saw/envisioned education as the ladder upon which I could earn the social status in the society. And this created additional pressure which I constantly faced all throughout my adult life where the thought of not scoring good marks or not doing enough on my educational front could adversely impact the future of our family. This caused panic and induced fear. The fear which stopped me from being free from stress, being jovial - which was considered normal for a kid of my age, all throughout my adult life. Now as i look back some of it could have been avoided, but be that as it may that was my intellectual ability/understanding at that point in time and I must have got what I deserved.

Fast forward to 2007 when i got into my first job at TCS with a 3.15L annual package. Life seems to have finally smiled at me and shown me a way forward to ease our family finances a bit. I finally felt liberated and valued. It was a big confidence booster to know that there is an organization which thinks myself to be employable and was ready to pay me what I considered then to be a decent pay. Those feelings were magical and so were my dreams and my new found confidence. 

Months into new job, I began to realize the boundaries of this job and how my future would pan out. (By observing senior colleagues and the nature, quality of their work or its financial viability). It struck quite late to me that I can pursue Masters and hope to change the course of my career. In the hindsight, I was late in this realization.

Fast forward I took a couple of shots at GATE and qualified in both the attempts with 93 and 97.5 percentile, but not good enough to any of the 7 IITs. As the last resort I had attempted BITS HD Exam, and finally god opened a door and let me pursue the dream of studying Masters in a university of repute. I again felt elated and my confidence grew multiple times just by the thought  that a Top ranking university in India and an university well respected globally found my intellect/academics decent enough amongst several tens of thousand engineers to let me pursue my Masters. The fact that university had TA jobs and my GATE score had secured MHRD scholarships for the duration of course meant I was on  a steady financial wicket (or so i thought) and I can easily quit my full time job and pursue my masters.

Life took an eventful turn on August 15, 2012 just 2 weeks into Masters when my maternal uncle who was so aggrieved with my decision to study masters that he chose to vandalize our small house and shop. He broke window panes, threw the pay-to-use phones, shattered the glasses at the shop, threw away the items at the shop to the road. All this when my father was away at his duty, my younger brother had gone out on our new bike(Bike that I had got as a prize just 15 days ago) and I was away 3000km away from home. Such an inhuman treatment which I had never even dreamt, But this was the reality which we had to endure. I got to know about this only by night 8pm. I, being the eldest son and one who considered myself to be the head of my family took a deep thought and felt our self esteem had been violated and hence arrived at the decision to vacate the maternal house and move to a rented house. A decision which means my father and mother who have never lived in a rented place will have to search a new house , start a new beginning at the age of 58 and 56 respectively. This at a time when I had quit my job and my younger brother who was still in this last year of engineering, which meant my father was the only earning member of our family. It felt like world had crashed on me. What have I done!! Is it really worth it! The cries of my brother, despair of my father, the trust my mom had on his brother which had been just broken all of this and more were on my shoulders. I became the one who brought this misery to my family. This was a decisive moment in my life. I felt I wasnt ready or not big enough to decide. But as always life's problems never knock knowing/consulting whether you are ready or not? I contemplated quitting masters and going back to take up my earlier job. I eventually decided to stick onto my masters. I felt the burden of this choice on every day of my next 2 years at University. Again, Thanks to god I did okay and landed in a decent job and things began to change.

Lot many things changed over the next 2-2.5 years when god granted us wisdom and finances to build our first home. I could see the long dreamt social status arriving our way. 

So what does money mean to me?? 

    Whenever I come across some one who is more richer than me, my thoughts starts to swing between how did he earn that much money? how much of it is self made? Maybe a bit of envious feeling that he/she must have a stress free life. A feeling sometimes which makes me small and my financial situation feel sorry for myself. I try to console myself by bringing in lot of thoughts about myself which makes me forget those feelings or remind me where we started etc., it still lingers on. The world always respects and values the wealthy. The undeniable fact of our generation. I have felt the respect that money earns in every brides parents eyes, the pride brides parents feel in knowing that their daughter is getting a bridegroom whose family is well off, status and respect amongst all relatives in every social gathering, in every relationship (be it close ones or distant ones). Its quite right when someone said Money makes the world go upside down. 

What does Money mean to me in future? What do I aspire for?? 

    I dream of making lots of money to earn the social status, respect, to be able to afford a good quality of life, financial freedom for my next generation so that they are not hindered in pursuing their dreams. The money which lets me live a life where I/my family are no more discriminated for not having less financial muscle.

I came across an image recently which kind of summarizes the financial well being. 

A powerful image, isn't it?

2. About Close family relationships

3. About Friends

4. About Career

5. About Relatives